Wednesday, 14 March 2007

From the pages of Mata Harian.

I translated this from yesterday's copy of my favourite Malay national daily, Mata Harian:

"I Could Have Done Better"

by Ahmad Darwin

GUNUNG RAPAT: Although there is no "top" SPM candidate according to the Education Ministry, Che Dik Sufian can count herself in the higher rankings of straight-A students, scoring 30 1As. However, this student from SMK Gunung Rapat is unhappy with her results, saying that she could have done better.

"I was aiming for 34 1As," Che Dik said, sobbing into her results slip. "After Che Amalina Bakri scored 17 1As, I knew I had to get double her results."

She scored 2 2As for Blogging and Texting, and 2 3Bs for Youtubing and Modern Mathematics. Her parents have tried to console her but to no avail. Che Dik plans to appeal to the Ministry for better results.

Asked to why she so desperately wanted to have 34 1As, Che Dik replied that it was her duty to her teachers, school and country. Now that she had failed them, she said that there was no point in living if her appeal to the Ministry did not go well.

Che Dik's parents, who are practising lawyers, said that they would support Che Dik in whatever she planned to take up in the future, but admitted that they would be happier if she considered Law instead of suicide. They also said that if only they had stopped her from resting at night and told her to study harder, then maybe Che Dik would have received the results she wanted.

Tips from Top-Scorers

Mata Harian talked to some of the Top-Scorers in SMK Gunung Rapat and asked them to reveal their secrets of success:

Yippie Yap (88 1As): "I kept late hours, not studying, but downloading recent episodes of South Park and Heroes. I don't need to study. I'm genius, maa."

Khwarizmi Salleh (42 1As): "If your mother kept a rotan and wasn't scared to use it, you'd study too."

Sam Suresh (96 1As): "The secret to success is to have an idol. Remember what he or she achieved. Picture that achievement in mind. Now picture you gaining that achievement. In my case, I imagined hiking all the toll rates in the region. I was inspired to get all the 1As I could."

14 comments:

  1. Wish they had blogging as a subject when I took my MCE a lifetime ago, then I would've scored, oh, 88 As. 88 is a nice number.

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  2. Boleh mati baca ni... :D

    I think I would have F9 my Blogging subject with my lousy anti-spam defensive skills. Must go for training again! Cannot. Let. Country. And. Countrymen. And. Countrywomen. Down.

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  3. (laughs and trips over)

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  4. This is hilarious!! I rolled over laughing. Incidentally, I wrote an anecdote about this for the National Day Mahathir book compilation too.

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  5. Simply too hilarious and profound.

    You have to tell more about this Mata Harian.

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  6. You mean you don't read the Mata Harian? It costs only RM1, even after they switched to the new compact format.

    Though its circulation is less than its two competitors, the Mata Harian is packed with more information, more pullouts (Mata Duitan, Mata-Mata, Cermin Mata, etc.) and more pictures of sexy tennis players in the Sports (Mata Keranjang) pages.

    Mata Harian is unique in that the ideology of its writers and editors range from conservative to liberal, from pro-government to critical. In short, it is a very confused newspaper and the only consistent thing about them is that they are inconsistent on where they stand.

    They are noted for being very progressive in their use of Bahasa Melayu and often make up new ways of manipulating the language faster than you can say "Dewan Bahasa dan Pustaka".

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  7. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha - good one!

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  8. If there were a competition for Funniest Local Blog, I am so voting for this post! Add in your comment, and it's deadly --- all your Mata can Mati one...:D

    P.S. By the way, El Presidente (PLAFC), are you attending our idol's new play?

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  9. You are too kind, Kenny. I'll try to make it but I'm not sure if I can. I'm in a busy patch right now so I won't even be attending any of the literary events this month :(

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  10. heh.

    if download heroes and south park can get 88 A1s, I go download FRIENDS, ANTM, One Tree Hill, Gilmore Girls, The O.C., I can get 888 A1s and get a full lifetime scholarship plus luxury expenditure at Harvard or even Oxford given by the MOE.

    heh.

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  11. Ah, but are you a Chinese Genius (tm)? Hmm? Hmm?

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  12. so when is mata harian available at silversfish ah?

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  13. I doubt Silverfish would carry Malay Tabloids...

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